2:44 AM B: hey you
2:45 AM me: bahh I hate scheduling when it doesn’t go my way
how are you doing?
2:46 AM me: I’m fighting aces atm…
its actually the worst
do you have time for skype?
me: it’s super late here
2:47 AM B: oh shit
me: almost 3am lol
but tuesday? I have a test monday I have to study for tomorrow and a concert monday night but after that my week is free
2:49 AM B: i just had this realization that one of my friends i spend so much of my life focused on, listening to him, trying to help him, making time for him just doesnt care nearly in the same way
which is life
but i just feel stupid
like im a close friend because i sit and listen to him and am there for him
but now that i need it, its too much
2:50 AM me: wow
Do I know this loser?
B: hahahah no he’s not a horrible person, i just didnt realize that im more willing to be emotionally there
and im embarrassed
like 4 times tonight
2:51 AM he asked me something about my life
and when i started to answer
he got distracted and went and talked to someone else
and like it SHOULDNT be a big deal to me
im just fragile right now
me: but still… reciprocity dictates that if someone else relies on you, then you should be able to rely on them
B: and like i know that my issues got to be too much for him to hear
B: but like
i dont even know
i feel so guilty for being a burden
i feel guiltyliterally all the time
that’s stupid B and we both know it
B: its just like
me: Major life problems are not a burden, they are genuine issues
B: im so alone here
im so in my own head and so afraid
2:53 AM im fucking terrified
me: No I do understand my love.
My advice, and it’s the hardest to do, is to face your head.
B: i only just identified it
like right now
im so scared
me: Face it directly.
B: of the judgment and of myself
and of the future
and if i have the capacity to be unselfish enough to love and be loved
me: Think about why you are afraid.
2:54 AM Then break it apart.
Our fears stem from irrational amalgamations of emotions. If you can logically break them down then you can beat them.
B: how do i start?
me: Start reading
B: where do i even start?
me: Start thinking, but with purpose
B: i have 20 years of lies
and of cruelty that ive laid on people to try and compensate for being afraid
me: Go to the library and pick some philosophical books, surveys of ideas
You need a roadmap to the mind
B: i used to be numb but i cant ve anymoe
me: they will give you that
B: im just scared and angry
thats a good idea
i need to understand why i think what i think
me: Yes yes my darling I do know, but you cannot let it consume or paralyze you.
B: becaues the irrationality of it all and the suddenness of emotions is scary
me: In the end that is your greatest fear, is it not?
2:56 AM B: i know that and i just need to move on
me: to be stuck
to be worthless
B: because right now i feel so stuck here
me: Yes, and that is why you must find your path.
and unfortunately the labyrinth that you are in is seen only by you
that’s why you feel so alone, for you are the only one there.
No one can truly join you until you make it out of that thicket
2:57 AM B: that makes so much sense
me: The other thing I would advise you to do
is to write it all down.
start from your childhood, and with hindsight reflect.
2:58 AM on it all
B: i know how painful thats going to be but i think i need it
me: on what you used to think X meant in your past but why it now means Y
exactly, it’s quite brutal
B: like i cant be numb anymore, i cant drown what im feeling
i need to start
me: yes, exactly you (and I) are passed the point of ignoring it, we just can’t any longer.
2:59 AM we have to find solutions, but we’re literally facing the existential, metaphysical problems of the ages.
Which is why I love philosophy
3:00 AM B: i just have always been seeking an outside validation
and nothing can do that because nothing can know whats in my head
me: because it allows the wisdom of the ages to be passed onto us, for us to skip the steps that those before us had to tred “We see that much further standing on the shoulders of giants”
I know 😦 I feel the same way
3:01 AM I find school & activities so trivial now because i don’t enjoy them truly, I only enjoy the success and the attention, but those are so finite
and when you reach the ends of those all-too-short moments you are left back where you started, alone and unhappy
3:02 AM B: we need to get to the point where we can be happy to be just be
where we love ourselves
me: Read this too, “Religions of the World” by Houston Smith. It’s my favorite book.
B: or at least i do
i think youre probably closer to that
me: no, you are so right
B: a lot closer haha
me: I do as well
B: just like i tried so hard to be a christian, have faith, but it just wasnt true.
me: I may be closer, but that does not make advancement any closer
that’s why I love that book
3:03 AM it looks at how religions have answered life’s questions
and what we can learn from them, or even maybe subscribe to one that just fits us
B: oh thats so fascinating
because they were all created from human needs
3:04 AM B: so if you look at all of them, you find what we feel like we need
oh thats so interesting
me: and that’s why I love that book so much
that’s the genius of it
it takes no sides, it only seeks to understand, to heal, to explore
my 3rd piece of advice is to go on walks
like 4 hour walks
3:05 AM walks that make you focus and drift at the same time
3:06 AM B: ooo ill do that
3:07 AM i need to figure out where around here i’d go
me: you could drive to the eno river reservoir
3:08 AM B: i dont think ive ever been there
3:09 AM me: neither have I but I’ve only heard lovely things.
And I think we could both use some more lovely in our lives.
B: I fully agree
3:10 AM me: My love, you have so much to offer this world.
Never forget that.
Never give in.
3:11 AM B: that goes for you too
this struck me today
me: I was going to wait to share this with people but I believe it may do you some good.
3:12 AM B: is this you??
I just followed it
me: indeed but I have done almost nothing with it
though what I have done I hope you like
3:13 AM and I quite enjoyed that poem 🙂
B: i LOVE your title description
me: it makes you think
I’m glad !
B: “she wasn’t sure she liked that
she has invented herself so well
she’s not sure she can
escapeI know that song”
so much from that
3:14 AM me: that was my favorite part as well
though I also loved “With a mind as wild as Egypt”
B: oof i dunno
3:15 AM your quote about overanalyzing
me: I thought you might find that one apt
and the very first gif at the top of the page about being tested
3:16 AM B: YEs
when you sent me that quote, it was perfect
3:18 AM me: It is so true. So painfully true,
3:19 AM my friend (the one who i was talking about when my quick breakdown started) texted me and was like are you okay?
did I do something?
and i was just like no, just not doing well
he was like whats wrong?
and i dont even know what id go over there and say
3:21 AM ugh
this is not what i want.
3:23 AM me: but B
it is what you need
B: i know
im trying to think of what words to say
me: Do not fear those who try to help
B: and i dont even know
me: Don’t think about. Just say them
3:24 AM about it*
I’m crying right now over this gif, this scene is actually one of the most subtly beautiful and devastatingly sad moments that I have ever witnessed.
3:25 AM B: downton gifs literally make me sob
3:26 AM me: but this one. At her bed, after she’s died.
Between mother and dead child. It is just so raw, so real
B: so unbelievably incredible
they are so good
3:29 AM me: I just don’t have words
B: me neither
regarding that gif
or my current situation i should deal with
3:30 AM me: yes
do see her
do not let it fester
or it will wound
and you will grow more isolated
and you will feel more alone
B: i know
me: seek safe shores
B: where is safe even
3:31 AM me: one can only know once they’ve made it there. So voyage
3:33 AM B: i know
3:34 AM alright love
you go to bed please
its hella late there
me: haha indeed it is
B: but thank you so much
i miss you infinitely
me: I do love you
B: and im so proud of you
me: Oh so very much
B: for everything.
me: You are the courageous one
regardless if whether you will admit or accept it
3:35 AM Now, do rest easy my love. Now is the time for you to find yourself, there is no greater priority and luckily you do have the time. Seize it while you can, for we shall not pass this way again
me: Goodnight my sweet
B: We’re gonna make it.
Good night (morning) to you
3:36 AM ❤