Today is a new day. A day past the last and before the next. A day which neither you nor I can ever reclaim. In this day I have not done particularly much aside from indulging in my love for Downton Abbey and rehydrating myself after a true night of debauchery chez moi with my host sisters and their friends while my host mother is away.
Yet, I believe today I am forcing a change upon myself. I have been reflecting today upon a quote I recently heard, “You are being tested, and do you know what they say, my darling? Being tested only makes you stronger.”
It was uttered to a desperate girl, a woman trapped between the life she has and the life she believes she should be living. In the aftermath of one of life’s true tragedies, being left at the altar, she breaks down, her last hopes evaporating like a lake dammed from the waters that had nourished it. I watched her cry and writhe. I felt some of her pain, understood some of her tears.
But I will not be Edith.
I am fed-up with myself and the maudlin musings that I make in lieu of change. It’s scary to face myself truly, but I can’t avoid it anymore. I am skinny, even gangly, I am rather lazy by my own standards, I have unrealistically high expectations about whom I want to date, I can be irrational, impatient, impersonal, and impossible. I don’t like doing that which I am not good at, and I don’t like putting myself in situations in which I could truly fail. In short, I hold myself and my world to impossibly high standards, but then refuse to try to meet them, only to then mourn the universal failings of myself and those around me.
So today I will change this. I will. And I have to. I have been unhappy for far too long to keep doing what I have been doing.
I will not make a list of what they are because whenever I make a list it assuages my worries and allows me to put them off for longer. So instead I will have to do it on my own, and I can. I will. I must.